Last Monday I had what I think was one of, if not, the most profound healing and awakening experiences I’ve ever had. As a birthday gift to myself I scheduled a personal journey with the magical Nicola Berhman at Ojai Valley Inn and Spa. I learned SO much about myself, my soul, and left feeling as if I had shed 30 years of emotional baggage that I didn’t even know I was carrying. It was an experience that I will never forget.
While the entire session was one golden ticket after another, one moment in particular stood out to me. When I met Nicola, we were outside in Southern California. Naturally, I had my sunglasses on. When I got inside and took my them off, I made eye contact with Nicola and it was as if (not as if because she actually was) looking into my soul. It was the most beautifully uncomfortable 60 second of my life!
When we finally sat down and got to chatting I said,
“I have to tell you that was so uncomfortable for me. I felt oddly vulnerable. It was like you were really seeing me.”
By the end of the session it was as if I had just spent the last 90 minutes catching up with an old friend and there was almost this sense of freedom that I felt; like I didn’t have to hide anymore.
Somewhere over the course of my life I started hiding my true self from the rest of the world. I’m not entirely sure why, although I can hypothesize, a feeling of inadequacy due to an absentee father in my early childhood that was reinforced in relationships and experiences later in life; societal influences as a young woman growing up on the east coast. It was a protection mechanism because on some level, I believed that I wasn’t enough. That what I had to say and contribute wasn’t worth it. That if I let people see me, then I could get hurt, or be rejected, or not be liked.
I realized last week in my session with Nicola, that for the past, oh, probably 10? 15 years? I’ve been showing up as a mix of who I am at my core and who I thought I needed to be. I realized that I still wasn’t letting people really see me. The little girl inside, was still scared, but why? Am I really standing in my power and nourishing myself if I am suppressing my authenticity?
After skipping intentions for January and February I’m bringing the practice back for March with one simple, but juicy, intention:
Let people see me.
Seems simple right? You would be surprised!
How many of us get wrapped up in how we will be perceived? If people will like us? Self doubt anyone? Perfectionism? All of the above? Yup, I can relate.
In order for me to do this, I feel I need to do a better job of staying embodied. To me this means being connected in my body, tapping into my intuition, and listening to my gut so that I can recognize if and/or when something resonates with me or I start to slip into self-doubt or judgement.
We are all unique human beings that deserve to be seen for who we really are. Sometimes, we have that sense of self and know who we are, we just need the courage to let others see it for themselves.
I love how honest and candid you are. So happy to know that you are continually becoming who you really are. Love, Aunt P